The phrase ‘toughen up’ has long encouraged men to be strong, brave, and resilient. However, in recent times, it has been criticised for perpetuating harmful gender stereotypes and putting undue pressure on men to suppress their emotions.
This has never sat quite right with me. I agree that taking a ‘man-up’ approach to many sensitive situations is a terrible way to help someone. However, I still see a place with the occasion, well-thought-out, bit of tough love. Sometimes, when done win the right way, telling someone to ‘get a grip’ or ‘toughen up’ can be a positive push, encouraging much-needed resilience and courage.;
The Benefits of Resilience and Grit
Resilience, or the ability to bounce back from adversity, is essential for personal and professional success. It helps individuals maintain a positive outlook, adapt to change, and handle stress effectively. Grit, on the other hand, is the ability to persevere through challenges and maintain passion and commitment to long-term goals. Both resilience and grit can be fostered through tough love and encouragement.
For instance, consider a scenario where an individual faces a difficult challenge, such as a job loss, a breakup, or a failure to achieve a goal. In these moments, we may start by offering lots of love and gentle support, empathising with them over their failure. However, if we find them sinking deeper in regret, shame, or defeat, a sensitive and well-intended “toughen up” or “get a grip” may serve as a call to action.
This advice encourages the person to take control of their situation, assess their options, and formulate a plan to move forward. It can inspire them to persevere through their current obstacles and develop resilience and grit.
Context Matters: When ‘Tough Love’ Is Appropriate
Of course, the effectiveness of ‘tough love’ or a ‘toughen up’ message depends on the context and the person giving the advice. There are a few factors to consider when determining whether this approach is appropriate:
Relationship: The person offering the advice should have a strong, trusting relationship with the individual in question. This makes it more likely that the advice will be seen as coming from a place of genuine care and concern.
Timing: Timing is crucial when delivering tough love. Offering this advice during a moment of vulnerability or extreme stress may not be helpful. Instead, it’s essential to choose a time when the individual is receptive and open to considering alternative perspectives.
Tailored advice: The advice should be tailored to the individual’s specific situation and needs. Blanket statements like “just toughen up” may not be helpful. Instead, offer specific suggestions or strategies that the person can use to build resilience and overcome their current challenges.
Balance: Remember that tough love is just one tool in your support toolbox. It’s crucial to balance it with empathy, compassion, and understanding. This can help ensure your advice is seen as helpful rather than dismissive or hurtful.
I do get why many don’t like phrases such as ‘toughen up’ or ‘man-up’, but only in the sense that it shouldn’t be a go-to reaction or first line of advice. Showing sensitivity, understanding, and general emotional and mental support should always be the first line of call. But I also feel too much emotional support and sensitivity can lead to a reliance on support and even self-pity.
At times, it’s crucial people are encouraged to dig deep and find their inner courage. By offering well-timed, thoughtful, tough love, you can help the people in your life build resilience and bravery. Remember to balance this advice with empathy and understanding, and always consider the context and your relationship with the person in question.